Players' Union Says "No" to Needles

NFL executives have proposed a plan to the NFL Players Association for HGH testing and the Players' Association isn't O.K. with the athletes being blood tested. HGH is merely a rule violating substance that would enhance players' ability to perform their job. I can't see why the league would be so against it. And, blood testing? OMG! Needles are inhumane! How dare the employers of million dollar athletes want to make sure that their employees are playing by the rules!

I am a server at a "fine dining" establishment. My job is to serve our guests and make them happy. Now, I could better perform this major task of my job by giving the guests free food. I could slip the 15 year-olds some shots of Jager and maybe dribble some Viagra in Grandpa Ricky's coffee; get them all riled up. They'd be a happy bunch and they'd certainly come back again. (especially Grandma Jean) Hell, I'd be happier during work if I downed a few Rum-and Cokes before clocking in.

And, if my manager asks if I'd been drinking, I'll tell him that the Servers' Union would prefer him to email me any questions he has about my substance abuse. Face-to-face questioning is not desired.

Unions were created to protect employees from their employers' unethical practices, protect mothers from losing their jobs while they're squeezing out future generations of unneeded younglings, and to ensure that 9 year olds aren't getting paid 25 cents an hour to perform manual labor. (even though the lack of manual labor in preteens is what's wrong with today's generation)

Unions shouldn't be created to protect multi-million dollar athletes from following the rules set forth by their employer who's paying them millions of dollars.

Put the NFL on the Bench

Take a deep sigh, everyone, because football is over for the time being. All we have left to hold onto are the annual story lines of "Favre-Watch," "Who will be stupid enough to sign T.O. this year," and "Which quarterback will get a ridiculously overpriced contract in the 2010 NFL Draft."

But, don't fret my friends. Because, if we're lucky;

• The Redskins might sign an overrated free agent to a historically high contract

• Kurt Warner will finally retire and we'll get to officially watch Matt Leinart fail on center stage

• Favre will fake an injury to excuse his final interception of the season and future return to the Vikings after training camp

• We'll get to watch everlasting coverage of college grads running routes and blocking dummies and Mel Kiper's 20th mock draft of the week. Why don't we let football go? Just for a couple months. It won't hurt that bad.

Yes, you may cry yourself to sleep every night, but it's better than watching 24 hours of ESPN analysts analyzing each other's analyzations of the back-up left guard from West-Central Louisiana Tech University.

The Washington Capitals lost their first game in 14 contests. Syracuse has been dominating the basketball world since being shunned from the NCAA Tournament 2 out of the last 3 years. North Carolina Basketball is in turmoil. The Olympic National basketball team roster has been announced. These are all more intriguing things to think about than Mel Kiper's projected 5th round selection by the Cincinnati Bengals in the NFL Draft.

Come on, coach, take NFL out of the game and put him on the bench for a while.

LJ Going Once, Going Twice, SOLD to the Worst Team Available

Larry Johnson was cut by the Kansas City Chiefs this week after Johnson criticized coaches and sucked at football. The last few weeks in Kansas City were like any normal breakup for Larry. He was sleeping on the couch while neither party was getting any.... rushing yards. The Chiefs dropped to 1-7 with a loss to the Jaguars and back-up RB Jamaal Charles gained an impressive 36 yards.

With Johnson being an eligible bachelor come 4:00 today, speculation arises to which teams will be interested. Until 4:00, however, the team with the worst record that claims Johnson will get him, assuming anyone wants him. So, who wants him? Well, Larry is in the last year of his contract, earning a measly $60,000 bonus every game on top of his $4 million base salary.

So, if I'm thinking of a team with a bad record, willing to dump money on an over-the-hill veteran with no long-term value to the organization, one team comes to mind; the Washington Redskins. Hell, they've already got one overrated veteran running back in Clinton Portis. Why not two?

The thing to consider regarding Johnson is the fact that he's in the last year of his contract with a possible uncapped year after this one. The rule of thumb is that players step it up a notch when they're signing a new contract next season. So, a team with a decent offensive line, and that eliminates the Redskins, might want to consider claiming him and getting contract-year numbers out of him before letting him hit the open market and allowing another team to over-pay for 1 and 2 yard gains. (The Redskins)

Top 10 Over-used Commentator Phrases

Raise your hand if commentators piss you off. If you don't have a hand, I'm sorry....

"It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up" - Mitch Hedberg

I've compiled a rough list of commonly over-used jargon. Please, add your own in the comments.

10) "WHOOP!" - When Boomer does highlights and a player jukes someone.

9) "Asterisk" - Ever since the Barry Bonds* saga, any time someone cheats*, there's a bad* call, etc*, there's an asterisk next to everything*

8) "Gunslinger" - Every quarterback that throws a pass is a "gunslinger."

7) "Wrinkle" - When a team uses a new formation or type of play, they're adding a "wrinkle to their offense."

6) "At the end of the day"

5) "Indisputable video evidence to overturn the play" - How long will replay be in the NFL before commentators stop reminding us of this?

4) "4-down territory" - there's 100 yards of 4-down territory. On fourth down, however, many teams choose to punt or kick a field goal. It's still 4th down, whether a team throws, runs, punts, or kicks.

3) "Must-win" - When do teams take the field and say, "We don't have to win this one," with the exception of 13-2 teams in Week 17. (Or the Raiders)

2) "Football team" - "Adrian Peterson is the key player on this football team." Why is "football" necessary? When I'm watching the pregame, I do not need to be reminded that we're talking about the NFL. That's why I pushed "Select" on the "Vikings/Packers" game.

1) "As I said before" - You said a LOT of things before! You talk for a living. Commentators make 1,000 predictions a game. When one comes true, they use it for the rest of the game. "I stated earlier that Peyton Manning got sacked and that could cause some incompletions in the second half. That last incompletion was proof. I'm a genius."

If I Were a Gamblin' Man

I have begun a new section to the site called, "If I Were a Gamblin' Man." No, this title is not original, nor do I care. All that matters is that I will be RIGHT. If you live in Las Vegas, because I do not condone illegal gambling of any kind, take my picks and make you some money. I will simply ask for a "thank you" somewhere along the way. Visit the Picks section to see today's pick.

Buy: Redskins

Tagged as the team that gives their opponents their first win, the Washington Redskins have quickly become the new Oakland Raiders of the NFL. Football fans have jumped off the Redskins bandwagon faster than Dan Snyder can sign overrated free-agents. Don't forget, though, that the Redskins have the 5th-ranked scoring defense in the NFL. Don't quit on them just because they treat the end-zone like it's littered with tampons. (At least for another week or two) Jim Zorn NOT quitting after the most ego-killing act for a Head Coach to endure is a good sign. Zorn set an example in taking one for the team. If the fans, players, and coaches back Sherm Lewis, a win over the Eagles this weekend is not a longshot.